After about five months of being a stay at home mom I returned to work, just to a different job. Not long into working where I’m at I started up a second job for myself that’s a little unexpected.
Due to the ungodly cost of child care, no matter where you go, I was left in a particularly strange position. Don’t go back to work at all, work my same job and pay all of my money to baby sitters (I mean all but $18 each week), or find a new job that I could work at night. Thoughts of letting down my boyfriend, my brother, my kids and myself with whatever I chose made me feel like nothing was the right decision. A good girlfriend doesn’t leave all the responsibility on her partners shoulders. A good sister doesn’t bail out of the family business. A good mom doesn’t miss dinner or tucking in her kids at night. Each thought tugged me into opposite directions, no matter what I chose to do I was bound to make the wrong decision in someone’s eyes.
I put my options down on paper with daunting lists of pros and cons and stared at them for nearly an hour. I worked it over in my head and the choice seemed clear, we’ll never move up if things stay the same. So now, I’m a stay at home mom and house keeper by day and a busy worker bee by night leaving little time to do anything else.
The stress of weighing important real life decisions can be a real downer and anxiety leaves me forever unsure what the best choice is or was or could be. My mind is a muddled puddle of half concocted and unnecessary thoughts.
I like my new job. It’s close to home and pays well. I work with food and talk to people. The people I work with are all friends and family which makes it even better.
My other job? The unexpected one… I am continuing one of the most important works I’ve ever started, and that’s myself. The summer before I fell in love with Curtis I worked on liking myself (my big feet, my wonky nose, the way I dress, the way my hair falls). I’m comfortable in my own skin now but I’ve come to see flaws in my attitude. I don’t apologize when I’m wrong (that’s something I’m getting better at). I have a short fuse and an Irish temper. It’s tough for me to make time for fun because I’ve taught myself that work and cleaning always have to come first. I am a pessimist, a bit of a narcissist, full of worry, full of anxiety, and I have a list of fears that would make a shut in point and laugh in my direction.
When I was little I thought I would have it all figured out by now, but even still at 24 I’m not done growing up. It’s not all cut and dry in adulthood like I once thought it would be.