Anxiety is a hell of a thing but separation anxiety for an adult is the absolute worst.
Normally when someone talks about separation anxiety they’re talking about a child who doesn’t want their parents to leave the school when they get dropped off, or cries when the baby sitter comes over. In adults, in moms, it’s worse and harder to get over.
When Baby M first started his visitation with his father I would cry every time he left and I would feel depressed until he was back home. Somewhere along the lines I stopped crying and the feeling of depression turned to a dull ache. When he comes home there’s a hole in my chest that fills back up and I feel better but with approaching holiday weekends and school just around the corner I’m having a really hard time adjusting to the thought of not spending as much time with him. As I’d posted before, I am currently staying home with all of my boys throughout the week and the time with them is so precious to me that losing any time at all is crushing. Most moms get the “mommy guilt” when they take a night out and I am no stranger to that, the moment we’re out the door I already feel like a bad person and my anxiety kicks in. “What if something happens while we’re gone?” Then there’s little things like nights at the grandparent’s house or shopping trips with grandma and even though I obviously trust the boy’s grandparents thoroughly, the moment the boys are out of my sight I have nothing but bad feelings. Its like a quick panic that turns into something else and the only way I can think to describe it is that it feels like my whole body is full of scribbles. My head gets fuzzy and it feels like I lose the ability to properly function.
Parents usually dread their child’s first day of school because their child may cause a scene, might cry and insist on coming home. I have no worries like that for Baby M, he’s so excited to go to school; he wants to do homework, learn new things and meet new people. We’ve even already discussed that I can’t come to school with him and he seemed very understanding about that fact. I worry that when I drop him off I will be the one turning into a big drop of goo in the parking lot, stuck in my car, unable to drive with the amount of tears I can already feel welling up behind my eyes.
I don’t think that it’s normal to worry so much and I don’t want to pass my fears along to my children but this world is full of so much bullshit it’s hard not to worry about them when they’re out of my sight. If any other parents have had similar feelings, please leave me some advice in the comments section below.
Am I batshit crazy, or what?
How do you get passed the fear of letting go?
How do you trust the world to take care of your babies when you aren’t around?