A Letter To Myself

Just in case you ever think that you want another baby, just remember..

Dear Self,

A few years has probably passed since you wrote this letter to yourself (proving for the world the lack of sanity that lives inside of you), but there are some things you should think about before you decide to plan for that baby.

The boys are all bigger, some more people you know are having babies and right about now you might be missing the days of the sweet baby babble, but please don’t forget that every little bundle of love comes at a price. Remember that time you were pregnant with Baby M and you got put onto bed rest? Then when he came (three weeks early thanks to you disobeying that bedrest) you spent thirty six hours in labor with him. Sure he was worth every second you spent in agony in the hospital, but come on..bed rest was not cool. I should’t even have to remind you how much weight you gained during that pregnancy. Cough, about ninety pounds, cough, cough. Remember being pregnant with Baby J, and the last three weeks you begged him to remove himself. You tried everything, you went up and down the apartment stairs thirty times, ate pineapples until your cheeks were raw, I won’t even mention all of the other things you tried only for him to hold on until the exact due date. Then after eight hours of labor your contractions stopped and you were given a shot of Pitocin. Remember how when he finally came out your doctor explained that he exited your lady parts as if he were trying to put on a turtleneck with his head pointed towards the ceiling? Again, not cool.

At the moment, while you’re writing this letter to yourself like a wildly batty woman, you are still pregnant with Baby #3 (who you suspect will later be referred to as Baby A). Your back hurts right around the middle for some reason right now, as do your hips which are achy 100% of the time. You’re struggling with crippling round ligament pain that actually brings tears to your eyes at least once a day. The sciatic nerve in your body is pinched and sometimes remains pinched for long periods of time, which no longer leaves you unable to move but only because you’ve learned to move through the pain. Chances are this pinched nerve might actually lead to permanent nerve damage, but that can’t be blamed solely on Baby #3 as you have had three children in four years time. Shame on you for being so incredibly fertile.

Let’s not forget how desperately you are craving the taste of a sweet red wine and the freedom to have a glass (or four) whenever you please. Don’t forget the math equation you did, that three years from Baby #3’s birth you suspect you’ll be able to sleep through the night again and that will only last until Baby M is a teenager at best. So by now you might be looking forward to, enjoying, or coming to the end of your six  years of solid sleep. Cherish those nights where no baby is in need of changing or feeding. Don’t forget the countless trips to the sink for warm water or the nights before formula when Curtis had no baby feeding responsibly because nothing good comes out of his tits. Don’t forget that weird feeling you got in your ribcage when you slouched because your organs were all jammed up. Don’t forget how desperate you were for pants that fit right or bras that didn’t feel like forty seven hungry anacondas wrapped around your bosom.

Please remember all of the ridiculous worrying that you do when you are pregnant about the baby’s health, your health, potentially dying during childbirth, or the whole SIDS thing. Remember all of the times you woke up, even if the kids were sleeping and checked them all for breath just because you are absolutely mad. Remember the promise that you wanted to keep to your little ones about being able to be the cool, involved, sporty and crafty mom. How on Earth can you keep that promise if you keep treating your body like a baby factory? Please just enjoy the little ones that you have. Please just listen to Cody’s advice and get a puppy instead. Remember the joke you made, that even if you get baby fever a puppy will clean itself, feed itself and poop outside all while you enjoy a glass of wine and get a good night’s sleep.

Dear self, I know that after all of these years you only remember the amazing parts of pregnancy and the perfect parts of baby raising, I am here to remind you that the good parts were not the only parts. Now enjoy what you have and pipe down.



You from 2016.
You who wants to adopt one puppy per child (today before babe gets home).

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