We’ve all seen the movies that feature a pregnant woman. She eats some pickles, waddles around and ultimately ends up screaming her head off in a hospital bed. Then they plop an approximately three month old baby into her arms and call it a day.
Not how it works.
I mean, you might be craving pickles and you will definitely be waddling around but there is so much more to being pregnant than that.
1. Shaving . You’ve heard the jokes about pregnant women not being able to see their toes, right? Well that’s not the only thing you wont be able to see underneath that big belly. Say hello to guessing where that razor is going and be careful.
2. Heartburn. Maybe you have had heartburn before but if you haven’t, get ready. At some point you’ll crave pizza, pasta or something else with red sauce and that will set it off. Then you’ll start trying to eat around your cravings and realize that you can’t have coffee anymore, or chocolate… You can, however, have Tums and a tall glass of milk to try and offset the heartburn.
3. No more independence. There is no more lifting heavy objects, no more ladders, no more standing on a chair to clean the ceiling fan. Oh and good luck getting up if you choose to sit down on the floor, I’ve been stranded there for a couple hours before waiting for my boyfriend to get home.
4. Pinched nerves and ligament pain. One night, you’ll lay down and the sciatic nerve in your back will pinch under your weight. You wont want anyone to touch you, let alone move you, but trust me a swift roll to one side will make it better (for now). As for the round ligament pain, it comes in the form of achy hips, butt cramps and groin pan.
5. The “over it” stage. Even though pregnancy is beautiful and you couldn’t be any happier at some point you will hate the entire thing. Your emotions will be jumping around all over the place and one second you’ll wish you could feel those baby taps forever and the next you’ll be tapping back saying, “eviction notice!” At this point just keep your eyes on the prize and remember that you’re closer than ever to holding that little wonder in your arms.
Labor itself? Yea, there are a few more surprises that I’ll fill you in on.
1. Very rarely do babies come on their actual due date. It’s the day that you count down to but unless you have a scheduled C-section then don’t count on it.
2. There’s no more eating or drinking once you’ve officially gone into labor. You can have ice chips though and I do recommend having some, it gives you something else to focus on for a moment and they’re pretty refreshing.
3. You will probably poop (you may even pee).
4. Lastly, and potentially the fact with the biggest “ew” factor, it isn’t as simple as going into the hospital and pushing. They measure you first to see how dilated you are and by “measure” I mean, with their hand in your…
Anywho! That’s all the time we have for today!
Questions? Funny stories? Comments?
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