Quick Guide To How Many Kids You Should Have

This is my personal and (falsely) accredited guide to how many children you should have. It is most helpful when you currently have no children and therefore also have absolutely no idea what you are talking about when it comes to kids.

A lot of people throw numbers out there before they even have a family yet, “we’ll only have one,” or “I’d like two so they can play together,” or maybe even “I’d like eight, because I come from a big family.” 

Here is an easy breakdown to help you get a grasp of how many kids you should really have.


One. If you only want one oddly shaped bowling ball barreling through your lady parts then this is the right amount of children for you.

Two. If you have high expectations that your kids will somehow become each other’s best and only friend from now until forever, this is the number of kids you should have.

Three. If the idea of being slightly outnumbered doesn’t scare you and you really like cleaning up after tiny humans and having your hands full, then three is perfect.

Four. If being outnumbered two to one sounds like a good idea, this is obviously the perfect amount of kids for you and your family.

Five. If you think big families are a lot of fun, try for five. This way your kids are sure to find at least one sibling they’re willing to befriend long term. Plus five is a great number, especially if you’ve already hit four!

Six and higher. If you plan on being heavily outnumbered and never having an empty nest ever again then you should just keep having children until TLC offers you a sitcom.


I hope this super easy breakdown of how many children you should have is helpful, hopefully just in making you giggle. Please don’t actually use this as any kind of guide, I’m obviously just having a bit of fun here.

Remember that every child you have is another little hand to hold and cheek to kiss. Having a lot of children (especially close together) can be overwhelming, we have our third on the way and I haven’t stopped worrying since we found out. The best thing about having kids, is the kids themselves! Each child is different and they offer new experiences every day. They’re a true gift that not everyone can receive and the most important thing you can do is be thankful for them no matter how many you choose to have.

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